Skip to main content

Depression



It takes a lot of realization to realize that I'm not well. I've always hated being not well. Its almost synonymous to accepting deafeat. Yes, I'm defeated. I'm not well and for the last two years or so I've consistently shown the symptoms of a patient of major depression. Disinterest being one of the most prominent symptoms, it took me two years to gather interest to check it on google. In an alloy of surprise and shock, i came to find that i was a patient. 
Depression can be vaguely perceived as a distant second cousin of comma. I hear, i see, i taste, i feel but nothing sinks in. The unwillingness and disinterest is the sharpest edge. It will cut you into pieces of disintegrated cognizance, yet your visible self would remain intact. You will find all known things around including little thibgs that used to make you happy. They would no longer interest you. 
However, my feeling of being a body into comma was validated by google. Several other points had a shocking similarity. Other than usual waves of sleep and weight disorder, there was one thing that went deep. The companionship of alcohol. They said that it would seem to be healing in the beginning, but shall cease to be so eventually and would create more annoyance down the line. It was true. In my nerves, alcohol had already completed its interest cycle and it leaves me with nothing more than a sour tounge these days.
As children, we comit mistakes, realise that we have not listened to parents, regret. Next time, while comiting another mistake, we dont listen to them either. Why. Because we think and play on logic and intuition. We dont play on the trend that they would be right this time over again.
Apparently, when there is a rising curve of things going wrong, we must listen to the ones who's been right in the wrong season. Therefore, i decided to go by Google's additional advice. 
Like a person with no memory, i have made a schedule for myself with all good things. I try and adhere to them. I run, i eat, i exhaust myself so that i can sleep. This may not heal me, but shall keep me proper till i am healed.
Having said that, none of these is a remedy. Depression has no conclusion. It will not kill you. It will tend to be a falling curve without touching the x axis ever. You will die a natural death like all others. The only thing that seems to be a fruit to a hungry weak human lost in a jungle, is an interesting thing. A person who cares enough to make you feel interested. A person who cares enough to talk to you without letting you skip a moment. A person who draws your interest through anything can bring you out of this. This is not love I'm talking about. I'm talking about concern. Just like you would rush if you find someone bleeding or fainting, you must rush in your thoughts when you find someone into depression. 
It is the most camouflaged disorder one can ever come across. If you have a faint hint, work on it. Speak to such colleagues, friends, neighbours, family who have started behaving differently over a period of time.

I am a patient right now and this is a ghost note to myself. I read it everyday and follow it diligently to bring myself out of it. I have decided to be that concerned person for myself and others.
16th April 2017

Comments

  1. UnknownFebruary 27, 2019 at 10:00 AM

    Beautifully written.. ...

    ReplyDelete
  2. IkigaiFebruary 23, 2020 at 4:56 AM

    Realisation is a good way to reward ourselves.... Sooner the better!!

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Embrace

When a poet turns to face the realisation, that, words are always inadequate in carrying the weight of articulation, there is a surprising feel of both emptiness and liberty in his heart.  The liberty comes to untie nerves, or to relieve heat off the formats and patterns. The freedom comes to let in everything that we are here for. The content comes of having gone the full circle from finding love in poetry to see it as an art to touch the divine and finally to understand its insignificance.  The emptiness comes of not knowing the revelation all the way. The emptiness comes of not knowing that nothing was actually articulated in spite having written hundreds of poems. The reader was reading but the yearning his own nerves, aches of his own heart and whispers of his own unsaid. The reader was never reading the poet's poem.  Writing, composing or the very effort of articulation in any form may be comparable to drinking or any other form of tranquilization, because these art...
2 comments
Read more

Dear Nemesis

Dear Nemesis, Please read this letter at a time when you feel that I am gone. I might have not died but gone in much a real sense. I might have changed, I might have no longer been the same person who used to look into your eyes with an anger, that was more intimate than love could ever be.  I am not gone at all, that's why I am here in this letter. My actions do not align with my core anymore. They never did. That, I have been upsetting you for the longest of times, is why I address you as nemesis today. The language of love, kindness and empathy is unknown to me. I speak in anger, complain, despair, jealousy and defeat. I am inept in speaking the right music. More than love, I have deeply felt the fear of losing you. I am so much in fear of the fixed patterns of losses in my path, that I opted out before you did. My handicap would never see the light of change. I would upset you till the point of being strangers. I sincerely apologise for such poverty.  My idea of life was n...
Post a Comment
Read more

A small towner with aerodynamic dreams

A small towner with aerodynamic dreams achieve a lot of dreams. The biggest thing they achieve is the realization of the human ability to be like water. They shape up into the shape of the cities they settle down in one after the other. The systems they fall in one after the other. Like the human ability to swim and cycle, every human is born with this as well. They don't realize it until they are made to do so. At every step they find a new planet. Yet they inhabit it like they always were from there. The metal dreams alone are the drivers of this strength of being water. Once a person realizes this ability, they exercise it time and again. They keep on crossing milestones one after the other. Milestones, the ones visible to the world and the once visible only to the self. Sometimes though, a habit, a change of habit or a pretention of it - are all milestones. A person identifies oneself with the identity of a big city for years on - only to hide the identity crisis deep wit...
Post a Comment
Read more